A Rookies Guide to Romance: How (not) to pick up chicks for dummies…

Recently a big market has developed around books on how to ‘pick up’ women.  Normal, objectively socially functionally people have sworn by books like The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. Conversely these books also seem to be another weapon in the arsenal of desperate social retards out there that will try and do anything to ‘pick up’ (which p.s, sounds like you’re trying to find girls at a visit to the local drycleaners).

Now I have never read any of these books, I can only imagine they’re full of a bad mix of bullshit and pop psychology that play on the insecurities of some, and give to others an unnecessary and nauseating sense of self confidence.

Being the last of a dying breed of romantic idealists I (probably deludingly) believe that eventually my well-intentioned dorky charm will prevail.  I’m just a fool whose intentions are good…Anyway, for the first time in a while there was a girl that I liked, to cut a long emo-bullshit story short which would be best reserved for the glossy self help pages of Cosmo, I ended up expressing myself like David Hasselhoff circa this (well, not quite that disastrously…), and in the process clumsily destroying whatever prospects I may have had.

Point being, if a book on how to ‘pick up’ chicks can be so successful is there hope for a book on how not to go about doing it?

Admittedly you’d learn sweet FA, but the stories are bound to be more entertaining and relatable. These stories would also play nicely into societies morbid obsession with watching people fail.  It’d be the literary version of Jackass for wannabe Cassanovas.

So here are a few of the biggest epic fails I’ve seen/heard of/and a couple (and only a couple I swear) that I’ve even been party to, which go beyond the standard accidentally pouring of a pint of beer all over the girl you’re trying to speak to type of rookie error:

1.      Doing thirty commando style push-ups on the dance floor of a crowded popular city bar just to impress nobody in particular.  Upon completing push ups proceeding to tell every girl present that you’re on a break from an SAS tour, and are around for a ‘good time and not a long time’.  In the process running into someone who actually was on leave from the SAS and proceeding to get your arse kicked for being a disgrace to the uniform.

2.      Seeing a group of stunners on the other side of a large fence at a university party.  Climbing and jumping over the large fence Spiderman style to impress and initiate conversation with the girls.  Requiring a knee reconstruction and months of physical rehabilitation as a consequence of awkward landing.  Not ending up speaking to group of girls.

3.      Going home with Ashleigh (not real name) and accidentally waking up in Amanda’s bed (not real name) after getting lost on the way back from the bathroom.  Scaring the hell out of Amanda and ruining any future prospects with Ashleigh.  Subsequently being kicked out of the house without your jeans which had been left in Asheligh’s bedroom and awkwardly trying to navigate your way home.

4.      Calling the girl that you were seeing at the time whilst on an interstate trip with the boys.  Telling her that she had been included in a makeshift will that you had recently drafted as you feared her ex-boyfriend, a notorious Perth gangland identity, would kill you upon your arrival back in Perth.  She would have been fortunate enough to receive the last $76.75 in your bank account in the event of this happening…

5.      After seeing some shit go down in the city you proceed to go home and message the girl you had a crush on with a tirade of drunken incoherent bullshit on Facebook (Whilst at the time thinking you’re a modern day Leo Tolstoy mid epic).  Immediately realising the stupidity of this, the next day you frantically search the house for the piece of paper with the girl’s number on it and subsequently text message her, only amplifying the awkwardness of the situation.  Despite these clumsy and impulsive tirades, bizarrely hoping you’re still in with a chance…

6.      Meeting forward thinking gorgeous Swedish girl of dreams in Bali who after six of the bounties famous Arac attacks, and the best part of 15 large bintangs, bore an uncanny resemblance to Victoria Silvstedt (for a picture of this girl and proof she existed see below). You ask her back to the hotel room where you were staying to ‘talk’ about cultural experiences.  Subsequently boring poor Swedish girl of dreams to death (figuratively speaking of course) with discussions of the history of Bathurst and V8 motor racing in Australia generally.

7.      Meeting two Danish girls in a pub in downtown Sydney, who after about 10 pints of Tooheys New both bore an uncanny resemblance to Victoria Silvstedt (for pictures of these girls and proof they existed see below).  Upon being asked back to the girls’ hotel room, playing it cool you reply “I’ll meet you there, I just want to finish my drink”.  Subsequently forgetting both the room number, and name of hotel where the girls were staying at and proceeding to run around the main/mean streets of Sydney at 1 O’clock in the morning in a desperate attempt to find them.  In the process finding yourself on the run from local security and law enforcement agencies.










8.      On the same Sydney trip being fortunate enough to find yourself sharing a spa with the cheerleading team from the NRL’s Newcastle Knights at some seedy pad in Sydney’s Kings Cross district. Accidents happen, and often so does something else.  Enough said.

9.      Meeting a girl in a notorious city club.  Things were going well and you ask if she’d like to grab a meal sometime.  After she says yes you insist on taking her to the (in)famous City Kebabs (where all good nights go to die)  right there and then.  You subsequently go home in a taxi with sour cream and sweet chilli sauce covering your shirt, needless to say also alone.

10.  Telling a girl you’re a lawyer, involved in law, studying and/or interested in law, this actually has happened to me, it just feels dirty.


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