2011 Predictions: The year ahead…

Reviewing the year just gone, for better or worse, is a popular and perhaps important pastime for many.  This is particularly  the case for those amongst us prone to instances of notriously bad judgment and an activity that dominates much of the popular press at this time of year.  What is much more entertaining though is making predictions for the year ahead…

 

Film: Mel Gibson will reform his misogynistic woman beating ways and make a film entitled The Passion of the Housewife (She Cleans for Her Sins) – It will be a black and white, three and a half hour ordeal concerned with the anonymous Housewife’s epic struggle to cope with middle aged, middle class femininity.  There will be no dialogue in the film, only subtitles allusively alluding to what the housewife is thinking of as she goes about the daily grind.  The half an hour scene dedicated to the Housewife battling with the dishes will be remembered as a defining scene in contemporary cinematography.

Jenna Jameson will tragically retire from pornographic cinema and make her dramatic debut in a film entitled Love Never Runs on Time – a film about a prostitute’s desperate and failed attempt at finding true love with a client in their weekly hourly appointment.

 

Television: Matt Preston will leave Masterchef in hostile circumstances due to creative differences about how much he should be eating.  He will go on to produce his own television show Masterpest, a show featuring a group of obsessive compulsive contestants playing off against each other to see who can best ensure that restaurant kitchens are kept sanitary and bacteria free.

Channel 10 will aim to revive the careers of both Rove McManus and Matthew Newton by pairing them up for a late night variety show.  Matthew Newton will find himself spending an extended period of time in prison for attempting to murder Rove McManus upon hearing this news. Nevertheless, the viewing public in a rare display of sympathy towards him will consider Newton a hero for sabotaging Rove’s comeback to television.

Politics: Tony Abbott will regrettably win control of the House of Representatives after promising the rural independents that he will scrap the daily ‘Question Time’ in favour of implementing  ‘Prayer Time’.  Politicians will reluctantly spend the majority of Prayer Time praying that Rob Oakeshott is not given another opportunity to speak in public.

Julia Gillard will aim to neutralise growing public and internal party opposition to her position on same sex marriage with the introduction of a radical policy position advocating for the introduction of no sex marriages.  The move will attract bi-partisan support, as most politicians are more than happy just fucking themselves anyway.

 

International Affairs: The Catholic Church will again find itself facing a massive public backlash after Wikileaks publishes a series of damning photographs.  They will show the Pope, and The College of Cardinals, snorting cocaine and getting drunk on church wine with Silvio Berlusconi and his entourage of prostitutes at a party in the Vatican on Christmas Eve.  The Church will quietly be thankful that for once it was not plagued by a scandal involving young boys.  The Church reminds future Cardinals and Popes to enhance the strength of their Facebookp privacy settings to prevent future embarrassment.  The Church will also implement a large scale counselling program after an internal inquiry reveals hard-core systemic abuse of church wine amongst the priesthood.

U2’s Bono and Barack Obama will swap jobs for the day in a blockbuster reality TV special designed to raise money for reducing world poverty.  After Bono realises that he makes a better world leader than he does a rockstar, and after Obama realises that he makes a better rockstar than he does a world leader, the US will find itself in the midst of a constitutional crisis previously unparalleled.  Financial markets will collapse to pre industrial revolution levels at the prospect of Bono being vested with a position of real responsibility, the music world however will go wild at the prospect of the release of Obama’s first album – Songs in the Key of Wonderful: The Black Prez’s Tribute to Stevie Wonder.

 

Sport: Australian cricket will continue to collapse.  No one cares.  Ricky Ponting will be relegated to the dustbins of history reverting back to his violent alcoholic ways.  Still no one cares.  The Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton will however have to be cancelled in the most spectacular fashion after sordid pictures of Kate Middleton being caught in a compromising position/s with Warney out the front of a London kebab shop are published in News of the World. Every one cares, particularly super vein Warney who thought he looked fat in the photos.

Nick Reiwoldt will have a much more difficult time convincing the hardened Melbourne football press that he is not gay after a graphic sex tape surfaces featuring him and Zac Dawson in that same Miami hotel room.  In 2012 he will go on to become the face of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Madi Gras as pictured below.

However, in what will be the feel good story of the year Nick Dal Santo will be reconciled with the 17-year-old girl that leaked the nude photos of him for the purpose of a Today Tonight ‘exclusive’.  They will fall madly in love with each other, get married, sell the coverage of the wedding to Dolly and assorted teen magazines for $250 000.00, and subsequently get divorced – Just your regular modern day romance : )

 

Happy New Year to you and all those around you!

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