Archive for January, 2011

A Rookies Guide to Romance: How (not) to pick up chicks for dummies…

January 9, 2011

Recently a big market has developed around books on how to ‘pick up’ women.  Normal, objectively socially functionally people have sworn by books like The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. Conversely these books also seem to be another weapon in the arsenal of desperate social retards out there that will try and do anything to ‘pick up’ (which p.s, sounds like you’re trying to find girls at a visit to the local drycleaners).

Now I have never read any of these books, I can only imagine they’re full of a bad mix of bullshit and pop psychology that play on the insecurities of some, and give to others an unnecessary and nauseating sense of self confidence.

Being the last of a dying breed of romantic idealists I (probably deludingly) believe that eventually my well-intentioned dorky charm will prevail.  I’m just a fool whose intentions are good…Anyway, for the first time in a while there was a girl that I liked, to cut a long emo-bullshit story short which would be best reserved for the glossy self help pages of Cosmo, I ended up expressing myself like David Hasselhoff circa this (well, not quite that disastrously…), and in the process clumsily destroying whatever prospects I may have had.

Point being, if a book on how to ‘pick up’ chicks can be so successful is there hope for a book on how not to go about doing it?

Admittedly you’d learn sweet FA, but the stories are bound to be more entertaining and relatable. These stories would also play nicely into societies morbid obsession with watching people fail.  It’d be the literary version of Jackass for wannabe Cassanovas.

So here are a few of the biggest epic fails I’ve seen/heard of/and a couple (and only a couple I swear) that I’ve even been party to, which go beyond the standard accidentally pouring of a pint of beer all over the girl you’re trying to speak to type of rookie error:

1.      Doing thirty commando style push-ups on the dance floor of a crowded popular city bar just to impress nobody in particular.  Upon completing push ups proceeding to tell every girl present that you’re on a break from an SAS tour, and are around for a ‘good time and not a long time’.  In the process running into someone who actually was on leave from the SAS and proceeding to get your arse kicked for being a disgrace to the uniform.

2.      Seeing a group of stunners on the other side of a large fence at a university party.  Climbing and jumping over the large fence Spiderman style to impress and initiate conversation with the girls.  Requiring a knee reconstruction and months of physical rehabilitation as a consequence of awkward landing.  Not ending up speaking to group of girls.

3.      Going home with Ashleigh (not real name) and accidentally waking up in Amanda’s bed (not real name) after getting lost on the way back from the bathroom.  Scaring the hell out of Amanda and ruining any future prospects with Ashleigh.  Subsequently being kicked out of the house without your jeans which had been left in Asheligh’s bedroom and awkwardly trying to navigate your way home.

4.      Calling the girl that you were seeing at the time whilst on an interstate trip with the boys.  Telling her that she had been included in a makeshift will that you had recently drafted as you feared her ex-boyfriend, a notorious Perth gangland identity, would kill you upon your arrival back in Perth.  She would have been fortunate enough to receive the last $76.75 in your bank account in the event of this happening…

5.      After seeing some shit go down in the city you proceed to go home and message the girl you had a crush on with a tirade of drunken incoherent bullshit on Facebook (Whilst at the time thinking you’re a modern day Leo Tolstoy mid epic).  Immediately realising the stupidity of this, the next day you frantically search the house for the piece of paper with the girl’s number on it and subsequently text message her, only amplifying the awkwardness of the situation.  Despite these clumsy and impulsive tirades, bizarrely hoping you’re still in with a chance…

6.      Meeting forward thinking gorgeous Swedish girl of dreams in Bali who after six of the bounties famous Arac attacks, and the best part of 15 large bintangs, bore an uncanny resemblance to Victoria Silvstedt (for a picture of this girl and proof she existed see below). You ask her back to the hotel room where you were staying to ‘talk’ about cultural experiences.  Subsequently boring poor Swedish girl of dreams to death (figuratively speaking of course) with discussions of the history of Bathurst and V8 motor racing in Australia generally.

7.      Meeting two Danish girls in a pub in downtown Sydney, who after about 10 pints of Tooheys New both bore an uncanny resemblance to Victoria Silvstedt (for pictures of these girls and proof they existed see below).  Upon being asked back to the girls’ hotel room, playing it cool you reply “I’ll meet you there, I just want to finish my drink”.  Subsequently forgetting both the room number, and name of hotel where the girls were staying at and proceeding to run around the main/mean streets of Sydney at 1 O’clock in the morning in a desperate attempt to find them.  In the process finding yourself on the run from local security and law enforcement agencies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.      On the same Sydney trip being fortunate enough to find yourself sharing a spa with the cheerleading team from the NRL’s Newcastle Knights at some seedy pad in Sydney’s Kings Cross district. Accidents happen, and often so does something else.  Enough said.

9.      Meeting a girl in a notorious city club.  Things were going well and you ask if she’d like to grab a meal sometime.  After she says yes you insist on taking her to the (in)famous City Kebabs (where all good nights go to die)  right there and then.  You subsequently go home in a taxi with sour cream and sweet chilli sauce covering your shirt, needless to say also alone.

10.  Telling a girl you’re a lawyer, involved in law, studying and/or interested in law, this actually has happened to me, it just feels dirty.

2011 Predictions: The year ahead…

January 2, 2011

Reviewing the year just gone, for better or worse, is a popular and perhaps important pastime for many.  This is particularly  the case for those amongst us prone to instances of notriously bad judgment and an activity that dominates much of the popular press at this time of year.  What is much more entertaining though is making predictions for the year ahead…

 

Film: Mel Gibson will reform his misogynistic woman beating ways and make a film entitled The Passion of the Housewife (She Cleans for Her Sins) – It will be a black and white, three and a half hour ordeal concerned with the anonymous Housewife’s epic struggle to cope with middle aged, middle class femininity.  There will be no dialogue in the film, only subtitles allusively alluding to what the housewife is thinking of as she goes about the daily grind.  The half an hour scene dedicated to the Housewife battling with the dishes will be remembered as a defining scene in contemporary cinematography.

Jenna Jameson will tragically retire from pornographic cinema and make her dramatic debut in a film entitled Love Never Runs on Time – a film about a prostitute’s desperate and failed attempt at finding true love with a client in their weekly hourly appointment.

 

Television: Matt Preston will leave Masterchef in hostile circumstances due to creative differences about how much he should be eating.  He will go on to produce his own television show Masterpest, a show featuring a group of obsessive compulsive contestants playing off against each other to see who can best ensure that restaurant kitchens are kept sanitary and bacteria free.

Channel 10 will aim to revive the careers of both Rove McManus and Matthew Newton by pairing them up for a late night variety show.  Matthew Newton will find himself spending an extended period of time in prison for attempting to murder Rove McManus upon hearing this news. Nevertheless, the viewing public in a rare display of sympathy towards him will consider Newton a hero for sabotaging Rove’s comeback to television.

Politics: Tony Abbott will regrettably win control of the House of Representatives after promising the rural independents that he will scrap the daily ‘Question Time’ in favour of implementing  ‘Prayer Time’.  Politicians will reluctantly spend the majority of Prayer Time praying that Rob Oakeshott is not given another opportunity to speak in public.

Julia Gillard will aim to neutralise growing public and internal party opposition to her position on same sex marriage with the introduction of a radical policy position advocating for the introduction of no sex marriages.  The move will attract bi-partisan support, as most politicians are more than happy just fucking themselves anyway.

 

International Affairs: The Catholic Church will again find itself facing a massive public backlash after Wikileaks publishes a series of damning photographs.  They will show the Pope, and The College of Cardinals, snorting cocaine and getting drunk on church wine with Silvio Berlusconi and his entourage of prostitutes at a party in the Vatican on Christmas Eve.  The Church will quietly be thankful that for once it was not plagued by a scandal involving young boys.  The Church reminds future Cardinals and Popes to enhance the strength of their Facebookp privacy settings to prevent future embarrassment.  The Church will also implement a large scale counselling program after an internal inquiry reveals hard-core systemic abuse of church wine amongst the priesthood.

U2’s Bono and Barack Obama will swap jobs for the day in a blockbuster reality TV special designed to raise money for reducing world poverty.  After Bono realises that he makes a better world leader than he does a rockstar, and after Obama realises that he makes a better rockstar than he does a world leader, the US will find itself in the midst of a constitutional crisis previously unparalleled.  Financial markets will collapse to pre industrial revolution levels at the prospect of Bono being vested with a position of real responsibility, the music world however will go wild at the prospect of the release of Obama’s first album – Songs in the Key of Wonderful: The Black Prez’s Tribute to Stevie Wonder.

 

Sport: Australian cricket will continue to collapse.  No one cares.  Ricky Ponting will be relegated to the dustbins of history reverting back to his violent alcoholic ways.  Still no one cares.  The Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton will however have to be cancelled in the most spectacular fashion after sordid pictures of Kate Middleton being caught in a compromising position/s with Warney out the front of a London kebab shop are published in News of the World. Every one cares, particularly super vein Warney who thought he looked fat in the photos.

Nick Reiwoldt will have a much more difficult time convincing the hardened Melbourne football press that he is not gay after a graphic sex tape surfaces featuring him and Zac Dawson in that same Miami hotel room.  In 2012 he will go on to become the face of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Madi Gras as pictured below.

However, in what will be the feel good story of the year Nick Dal Santo will be reconciled with the 17-year-old girl that leaked the nude photos of him for the purpose of a Today Tonight ‘exclusive’.  They will fall madly in love with each other, get married, sell the coverage of the wedding to Dolly and assorted teen magazines for $250 000.00, and subsequently get divorced – Just your regular modern day romance : )

 

Happy New Year to you and all those around you!