The Bogans’ Guide to Summer

Bogan essentials:

1) Prominent tattoos (common varieties – Southern Cross, General tribal form, something tastelessly alluding to the Anzacs…)

2) Designer sunglasses (common varieties – Chanal, Dolce & Gabbana, other varieties that consume whole of face and were actually designed for female bogans…)

3) Board shorts – Will contain traces of fluro or other bold offensive colour schemes.

4) V8 Ute – self-explanatory (bogan may choose to travel in a stretch limo as a mode of transport, most likely a hummer, if heading to meet other bogans at a music festival).

Bogan optionals (usually not required):

1) T-shirts or other items of clothing designed to cover the top half of the body (Bintang singlets occasionally excused if the bogan has just arrived home from Bali (see below).

2) Footwear.

3) Knives and forks; other cutlery (although bogan will insist on eating his takeaway food hall Japanese with chopsticks in order to demosntrate that bogan is ‘cultured’).

4) Social etiquette.


Sound track:

1) Stereosonic, Summadayze, Future music, 96fm’s guide to the Australia day fireworks.

Beverage of Choice:

1) Low carb beer – Hahn super dry, Pure blonde etc (bogans have a general preference for tasteless things).

2) Female bogans will frequently drink – Jacobs Creek (‘Cobs Creek’), Yellow, or Brown Brothers variety of wines.

Calendar:

September: Hit the gym. Bogans will actually spend an extended period of time checking themselves out in the mirror at the Gym, whilst hoping that all those steroids that they have been pumping since July in preparation for summer are working.

October/November: Fly out to mine site.

November/December: Fly to Bali.  Bogan will spend most of the money they made at the minesite (see above) on a cocktail of bintang singlets (see above), magic mushrooms, scooters and prostitutes.  Bogan will be spotted in natural habitat on stage at the Bounty poorly singing covers of Cold Chisel songs (the only Cold Chisel song the bogan can actually remember the words to is Khe Sahn, also a song prominently featuring an instance of south east asian prostitution, a topic close to the bogan’s heart).


December/January: Return to Perth for end of year festivities and Christmas parties.  For the more privileged bogan this will involve some sort of boat cruise along the Swan River where strippers will provide both the entertainment and the hospitality.  For the less privileged bogan this will mean getting involved in fights with other less fortunate bogans at every pub and hotel along the coast (Bogan hotspots this year include – Carnegies, Tiger Lils, The Left Bank, The Cottesloe Hotel and generally anywhere north of, and inclusive, of Scarborough).

January – March: In between periods of compulsory relegation back to various minesites this is the bogans favourite time of year.  Favourite activities for the bogan at this time of year include;

1) Attending music festivals with fellow bogans. Condition precedent to this for the male bogan is not wearing a t-shirt (see above).  The male bogan loves nothing more than showing off the new tattoo that was recently acquired in some dodgy Balinese alleyway to attract the attention of an unsuspecting female bogan.  Oddly enough, the same male bogan will in reality spend the vast majority of his time posing shirtless in photos where he is hugging and showing affection towards fellow male bogans (see below).

2) Australia day and the Australia day fireworks. The typical bogan being easily amused is particularly attracted to the bright lights and loud noises of the fireworks – the perfect backdrop for fighting (see below). On Australia day the bogan may even depart with their no t-shirt policy and choose to drape themself in an Australian flag.  Bogan will proudly tell all that on Australia day we celebrate the day that Captain Cook found Australia…The bogan is so proud of their knowledge of Australian history! Above all the bogan loves Australia day as it allows the bogan to indulge in two of their favourite past times. Firstly fighting (refer to above and below).  Secondly racism – on Australia day in particular, the bogan will take great pride in citing instances of ‘unaustralian’ behaviour wherever they are and whatever they may be (this is usually levelled at people who refuse to consume as much bundy and coke as the bogan does, or those with the common sense to realise that cricket actually really is a notoriously shit sport).


3) Finally at this time of year the bogan will take great pride in uploading pictures of bogan activities onto facebook. The bogan will want to show everyone their recently ‘souped up’ SS Ute proudly decorated with a ‘Fuck off Where Full’ sticker (literacy, like history, was never the bogan’s strong suit).  Similarly don’t be surprised to see photos of the bogans trip to Bali and escapades at the various music festivals around town surfacing shortly.  If you see photos of two over sized shirtless dudes simulating sex acts with each other, now at least you know why…


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One Response to “The Bogans’ Guide to Summer”

  1. Mike Says:

    Pretty outstanding work there. I can see substantial amounts of pent up frustration and anger in these posts. You forgot to mention the redneck bogan, there is actually a fine distinction in the two.

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