Some Introductory Words to the Australian Electorate From Tony Abbott

Ahhh hi there.  I’m Tony, but call me Ton. Most of you probably only know me for my croaky voice, awkwardly laughing at my own jokes, saying ‘ah’ a lot, and perhaps even looking like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park (ha ha, I guess I really am a relic of prehistoric time and age).

Now, you see I’m not a bad bloke.  I’m a man of deep faith and religious conviction.  I spent many years in the Seminary until it occurred to me in an incredibly rare moment of self-awareness, that God probably wouldn’t waste his time on an arse hole like me (ha ha, but praise be to the Lord, he really does work in mysterious ways, Hallelujah baby Jesus!).

Ah despite God’s intense personal distaste for me, that little fucker’s been good to me, and what a wonderful political ally he makes.  You see any time I need to tell women what they can do with their bodies…I turn to God.  Or any time I need to tell women what kind of medication they can take…I turn to God.  Now umm, unfortunately they don’t seem to be listening, which makes me wonder if I should employ my skills as a champion boxer and see if that makes the bloody women listen (I know my reverent mentor Wilson Tuckey would be ever so proud, and ah…look, we all want to smash Julia Gillard…HAHA!).

Anyway, back to more important things…Like let’s see, God.  If there’s ever any talk about dying with dignity…I turn to God.  Or even worse, if there’s ever even any talk about stem cell research…I turn to God.

And when you want to get all new age and trendy and talk about climate change, I turn to God. I turn to God and I see the famines, and the plagues, and the droughts, and the floods, and the myriad of natural disasters in the Old Testament.  I don’t get worried, I kneel down, genuflect, and get a little excited  (speaking of excited don’t even ask about what I use to do the nuns back in the day after a few cheeky glasses of church wine…talk about the second coming…ha ha).

And when I become Prime Minister and I need a chief of staff…I’ll turn to God.

But look despite my faith in God I am human, and as the story of Jesus teachs us, the human condition is frail.  This one time I got a teeny bit jealous of Pauline Hanson (come to think of it that’s another woman I’d like to smash, ha ha…) You see the thing was that bitch was stealing all those redneck voters I’d proudly called my own for so long away from my party.   It broke my heart to see those aboriginal hating, gun-waving hicks leave their natural home, but in the spirit of reconciliation all is forgiven.

And I pray to the Lord that you all can forgive me too.

God Bless you Australia  (ha ha)



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