#24 – A Weekend Out In Perth

Friday Night:


Time 4:30pm:

Beers Consumed:  None.

Activity: Charge facebook/ call/message/ make any attempt to communicate with remaining people that  you haven’t managed to alienate on basis of previous antics.

Time 7.00pm:

Beers Consumed:  2.

Activity: Pre – Pre Drinks

Decide, mostly unimaginatively on the city. Depart for friends place.  Foolishly neglect to turn computer off.


Time 7.30pm – 9.30pm:

Beers Consumed:  4 – 8.

Activity: Pre – Drinks

Arrive at friends.   Try to quell the voice in the back of your head that is wondering why you still keep company with the Neanderthals surrounding you considering they almost got you killed on at least five different occasions the last time you went out with them. Try and mentally calculate how much they owe in unpaid cab – fares to kill time.


Time: 9.30 – 11.30pm:

Beers Consumed:  8 – 14.

Activity: Destination # 1

Arrive at Belgium Beer Café/Tiger Lil’s.   Discuss amongst group why we bother coming back to these places again, considering we never liked them that much the first time, or 100 times thereafter.  Check out members of opposite sex.  Attempt conversation with varying levels of success with said members of opposite sex.  Refuse to be disheartened when the epic looking blonde girl declines your advances refusing to believe you can actually play banjo and piano simultaneously, knowing full well you can’t actually do this.  Move on to next venue “anywhere but Carnegies, I hate Carnegies man it’s like the fucken Newport floated up the river”.


Time: 11.30pm – 3.30am

Beers Consumed:  System Error.  Cannot Calculate.

Waters Consumed:  Try to present image of respectability by spacing drinks with water.  This is now hopeless.  See Beers Consumed above.

Activity: Destination # 2

Arrive at Amplifier.  Curse yourself for leaving the last venue that you even didn’t like in the first place earlier, especially considering, “how pretentious all the chicks were at that place, I am a very talented musician you know”.  After long wait in line cordially greet security staff who now recognise you for your famous feets of stupidity.  Proceed to try and convince moronic friends (see 7.30 – 9.30pm) who have now almost got you killed three times this evening to buy you exotic drinks.  Bizarrely acquire a tendency to start smoking a thought that would have been completely repulsive only hours ago (see mental state at 4.30pm).  Dance obscenely on the dance floor throwing shapes that make the last Brianna Loves Jenna movie look like a Disney film.  Tell elaborate stories which either go for at least half an hour and have no point (hey man, Neil Young had this fucken prairie right, and their was this old man right…), or are complete bullshit (I am from Akron Ohio and am playing Saxophone with Steely Dan who are currently touring) to a young crowd of bizarrely enthusiastic admirers.   Feel proud of yourself for the cult- hero status you are acquiring when it comes to talking bullshit, start imagining how long it will be before the alternative kids gathered around listing to your stories start wearing your face on a t-shirt.  Warmly bid farewell to security staff “I can’t believe you didn’t kick us out 3 hours ago, you know us too well”.

Time:  3:32am

Activity:  Enter Kebab store.


Time:  3:32am and 30 seconds

Activity:  Proceed to laugh at moronic friend who truly is a monument to stupidity after falling flat on his arse on the slippery floor of the crowded kebab store.  Spend next twenty minutes telling everybody in sight and repeating, “that was the funniest shit I’ve ever seen”.


Time:  3:50am

Activity:  Get taxi home.  Try to relate to morbidly obese taxi drive by commenting on the amount of drunken dick heads he must of put up with throughout the night, pretend not to be disheartened when taxi driver replies “nah mate, you’re the first dick head I’ve picked up all night”.  Proceed to make awkward small talk desperately clinging to hope that you make it home alive after noticing the Taxi Driver’s uncanny resemblance to Ivan Milat (see below).

Time: 4:10am

Activity:  After being greeted with an overwhelming sense of relief upon making it home, it’s time for bed bed.  Noticing you left your computer on you carelessly proceed to log onto Facebook and update your profile and status, with volumes of philosophical insight and wit about life, love and everything in between.


Time: 9.00am

Activity:  Wake up feeling, surprisingly energetic with the knowledge that the hangover probably won’t set in until lunchtime.  Oh fuck! You now realise that you forgot to turn your computer off last night (see 7.00pm).  Realising that you’re not actually Plato, William Blake, John Belushi or even someone spiritless like Dave Hughes you quickly log onto Facebook and delete evidence of last night’s incoherent musings (see 4:10 am). Hope no one saw evidence of said rants, and more importantly that no self-respecting individual is up at that time on a Saturday morning, or at the very least not on Facebook at that time, I mean get a life.  Spend next three hours on Facebook.


Saturday Night:

Repeat Friday Night: See 4.30 pm – 9.00am above.


But really? Belated Rant Warning:

The above is a partly truthful, partly fabricated depiction of a standard weekend in Perth.  Everyone has their own routine similar people, similar places, similar outcomes.  The point is in a city like Perth it’s easy to fall into the same routine each weekend.  Often the options the city presents us with are inverse to the sprawling landmass it occupies.  Is this a problem with the city, or a problem with the people who live here?  For mine, I think it’s probably a bit of both – it’s too easy, and often trendy to have a negative mindset and criticise Perth without acknowledging its benefits (see picture below).

On the other hand, I think it’s arguable that it lacks both the cultural vibrancy, and facilities that many of our cousins in Sydney and Melbourne take for granted.  Where are the small bars?  The cool music venues?  The top tier sporting facilities?  The nightclubs that cater for different crowds?  The street art? The genuine pubs with positive vibes not hijacked by cashed up bogans?  The major events…I mean Red Bull air race, seriously?  Those out their trippers that manage to be as intriguing as they are crazy?  Anyway you spin it I think the city for all its attractions could benefit by offering some greater versatility, hopefully this is an attitude our politicians and planners embrace as the population continues to increase.  After all it might give you something different to do on your weekend.


Peace.  Have a good weekend.




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