An open letter to the Western Australian public from your premier Colin Barnett:

I must first say I am honoured to offer this post to The Comprehensive Blog of things that are Shit, and its readership of about five people. I of course pride myself on the fact that I have single-handedly redefined shithouse in my overwhelmingly mediocre career as a politician.

Now I have been asked to defend several aspects of my triumphantly reformist legislative agenda, an agenda that some people have labelled ‘draconian’, ‘regressive’, or more aptly ‘fucking stupid’.

Now with this accusation of ‘fucking stupid’ I must of course agree. However, in my defence it would be inappropriate to be anything other than this as I fear this would put me out of touch with a ‘fucking stupid’ electorate, and surely a government employing common sense or ability would be disastrous in the opinion polls. Now as they keep telling me a crisis of competence, is a crisis in the polls.

This is remember, the same electorate that voted against daylight savings on the basis it would interfere with the sleeping patterns of farm animals, cause curtains to fade, and signal the end of the world amongst other things. It is also the same electorate that not only elected myself but my collective ensemble of morons. An ensemble that of course includes a treasurer with a range of sick fetishes, the most pedestrian of which is a slightly peculiar thing for sniffing chairs (don’t even ask what he does with rulers in cabinet meetings), and a police minister who regularly has to be reminded that he is the police minister, because look – he just has no idea. This of course came at a time where I had resigned myself to a comfortable retirement, where I alone was going to dig my canal from Perth to Port Hedland, or maybe even Broome if I had enough time.

So what about my revolutionary reform agenda? An agenda that includes such marvels as the abolition of the right to silence, reintroduction of late night curfews, wide ranging search powers for police, and tougher cannabis laws. Well in terms of the right to silence I am actually a big advocate of it and wish the Labor party, aboriginals, civil libertarians, minority groups, trade unionists, teachers, environmentalists, public servants, employed, unemployed, children, adults, males, females, humans and animals alike would exercise it more liberally. Unfortunately many Western Australians in my experience struggle with conversation beyond talking about the weather, so encouraging people to talk is probably in the public interest, even if it means we have a few thousand extra innocent people decorating our gaols (as this of course covers my obvious pomposity and makes me look tough on law and order).

Now I know it’s uncharacteristic for a politician to be honest but in terms of wide ranging police powers it was actually a deal with the police union. You see now the union was complaining that many young officers (and old officers too) were sexually frustrated. They just couldn’t get any action, as apparently the police uniform is only a turn on when it’s not a police officer wearing it. So as part of their collective agreement I promised them wide-ranging powers where they could go and randomly ‘search’ (read wantonly feel up) anyone they found sexually desirable without having to justify it. The point is if you’re not particularly attractive you don’t have to worry as the police force are unlikely to sexually harass you. If you’re good looking, maybe move to Melbourne. More importantly this policy kills two birds with one stone, 1) it serves the interest of a sexually satisfied police force and 2) it keeps the electorate living in a state of fear.

Finally I must say stupid is, as stupid elects. As long as the Western Australian public keep demanding to be showered in stupidity, I solemnly swear I will do my utmost to deliver on this. After all, it would be stupid not to.

Kind regards,

Your premier Colin Barnett.

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